We are the new diversified ad agency of the future!

Did you see the AdAge article, “2017: A Time For Championing Diversity?” Well, we are already the Undisputed Worldwide Heavyweight Champions of Diversity. Follow me…

As you can see, our creative department is, uh, yes, all male — don’t tell Cindy Gallop. But! None of our boys own a single ironic t-shirt! Plus! Two of the copywriters are homeless refugees. Plus-plus—see that empty incubator? We hire — and fire — a newborn African American baby girl intern every week to give us new insights and keep our ideas super-fresh. For instance, we now never put anthropomorphic babies in ads or use minorities just for appearances sake — unless the client asks for that! Ha!

Our creatives range in age from 1-day-old to 102; so there is zero ageism inside our walls! And 102-year-old copywriter Frank’s art director partner is 99-year-old Mortimer. Man do they fight! And they nap more than the baby. Lazy creatives, amirite?

[Whispering] Eh, just between you and me, the real reason we hired those cheap geezers is to deflect attention away from the fact that we refuse to hire any overpriced know-it-all 40- or 50-something creatives…

[Talking too loudly again] As you’ve noticed, we have a symbolic chameleon in every department. Actual goddamn chameleons! Who’s more colorfully diverse than a chameleon? And, we’ve taught them to change colors on-demand — clients LOVE that! They also catch and eat any wayward flies, which is just GREAT multitasking.

Our account department is exactly 50-50 men and women, and 50-50 legal and illegal immigrants. Some of them don’t speak a lot of English, but hey — they’re account execs. As long as they know “yes,” right? Haha!

Our logo. Remember prepress color wheels? Yes, that is Comic Sans! It’s our symbolic nod to the underprivileged everywhere. Yay!

No, no, we don’t hire ex-cons; we have to draw the line somewhere. But we do hire criminals! Here, come here: Say hello to Tom Jones, not his real name. He’s a retired serial killer from Europe, never caught! He doesn’t like talking to strangers, and no photos please! He just got promoted to VP of Experiential and he’s doing a crackerjack job. We also have a spree killer around here somewhere, in media. He only spree-kills on vacations, otherwise, a model employee! 8 a.m. sharp, every day, and he always kills it in meetings. Kills it!

You asked about religious diversity? Well! We don’t just have Muslim employees — we have a Muslim department! Here look: their windows face Mecca. Every ad we make that awkwardly appropriates a societal or cultural issue — which is most of them these days! — must be approved by the Muslims via a show-of-hands vote.

Even our chatbots, Chad and Cher are omni-culti; they speak every language and dialect in the world! And they’re both very malicious. They’ll smoothly slip your brand into any chat anywhere! Boom!

You know, our reefs are being irrevocably decimated, and with them, many sponge species. That’s why we just hired this stove-pipe sponge as our new receptionist. Our last three receptionists all moved up into departmental positions. I expect the same from “Stovie” here.

There you have it! Thanks for visiting triple M. If you think of any more races or groups or species that we can coopt, let us know!