Mark Duffy has written the Copyranter blog for 10 years and is a freelancing copywriter with 20-plus years of experience. His hockey wrist shot is better than yours.

Goldman Sachs just gave ad tech startup Persado $30 million to play with to create better ad copywriting software. Automated copywriters have arrived and are connecting with consumers. Human copywriters, you best get searching for a new career, STAT.

Persado says their “cognitive content platform” can “generate a precise combination of words, phrases, and images … arming brands with ‘smart content’ that resonates with any audience, every time, and inspires them to act.”

Well, shit.

AdBot
The AdBot 9000. It stands 6’4″ and weighs about a ton.

Receiving less press has been the AdBot 9000. The 9000 is the shell of a 1930s robot named Alpha. But we have stuffed it with proprietary tech that enables it to access the entire internet for copy. All you have to do is tell it which brand, and it spits out the copy on its digital screen in less than one second. For effect, it “reads” the copy in its original voice.

Here are a few test copy examples. There are still a few bugs:

Stella Artois
“Don’t drink beer from a glass; drink Stella Artois from a chalice. Why a chalice? That’s why Stella Artois is reassuringly expensive, affluent person. Do you want to also hashtag be legacy, affluent person? Then, keep drinking Stella Artois from a chalice and you will hashtag be legacy. Please do not hashtag be wife-beater, affluent person.”

Verizon
“CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? GOOD. CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? GOOD. CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? GOOD. CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? GOOD. CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? GOOD. We never don’t stop not working for you.”

Digiday Daily Newsletter

Get Digiday's top stories every morning in your email inbox.

Axe body spray
“Do you like the way I smell, baby? I smell like ‘Anarchy‘ baby. I sprayed my whole body with Anarchy. Sex with me is a riot, baby. Have you ever been banged by Anarchy, baby? Don’t you want to smell like post-coital nihilism, baby? Even angels fall for me, baby. That’s the Axe Effect, baby.” (Ad Tech note: It is rather disturbing that a robot zeroed in on the word “Anarchy.”)

McDonald’s
“I’m lovin’ it! Lovin’ beats hatin’. Two all-beef patties special sauce, let us sleaze. You deserve a break today and a Mac tonight. Make that a McWhopper. McWhat? You got a supersize beef with Ronald? Go get a McJob, King nothing.”

Cadillac
“Cadillac is not a car for French people. It is a car for hardworking rich-ass Americans who want to hashtag dare greatly. Only those who hashtag dare greatly drive the world forward. And only people who drive Cadillacs dare greatly. Because their love is bigger than a Honda, it’s bigger than a Subaru …”

Always
“Always pads absorb 10 times their weight but feel like nothing. Nothing is impossible. Impossible is nothing. Impossible like a girl. Throw like a girl, hit like a girl, run like a girl, bleed like a girl, kiss like a girl, girl like a girl. Hashtag like a girl. Girls rule, boys drool. Always exploit girls’ insecurities … like a boy.”

AlphaCorona
“Find your beach. Find your beach. Find your beach. No sand? OK No water? OK. No sun? OK. No Corona? No beach. Find your beach. HASHTAG FIND YOUR BEACH. FIND YOUR BEACH, BITCH. FIND YOUR BITCH…” [The 9000 is shutdown and rebooted.]

Apple
“I’m a Mac not a PC. That’s because I think different [sic]. This changes everything. And now this changes everything. Again. The only thing that’s changed is everything. If it’s not an iPhone it’s not an iPhone. But there’s one more thing. Na-na boo-boo go stick your head in doo-doo.”

After a few tweaks, The AdBot 9000 will be ready to write your brand’s new kickass copy hopefully by early 2017. The fees will vary.

Actual true footnote: The real Alpha once inexplicably shot its inventor, Harry May, in the hand. Luckily, it was just a blank.

  • LinkedIn Icon
Digiday
Digiday